Monday, August 1, 2016

I have had a headache for a week.

My face is broken out like a pre-teen.  And I cried myself to sleep last night.  What's happening, you ask?  My little girl started Kindergarten today.

This little human who has been by my side for 5 and half years is now going to be spending a huge chunk of time in someone else's care.  And I can't seem to wrap my head around it.  She still seems like a baby, but I know she isn't.  I know she is ready.  I just have to get myself to be ready too.

Andy and I did a lot of research about schools and we both fell in love with one in particular; however, we didn't get in there and had to go with our second choice.  Which is a good, solid choice, but still not THE choice.

As I lay in bed with my mind racing last night, I kept thinking about whether I would be more calm if she were going to this other school.  I don't know the answer, but I can guess that a lot of my feelings are exactly feelings.  Of wanting the best for her, of wanting a school that runs as close to our home life as possible, of wanting her to be seen as an individual and to be supported and pushed in keeping with her individuality, of wanting her by my side when we go on daily adventures, of not being ready for this part to be over.

Whenever I pictured myself as a mom, even before I was one, I saw babies and toddlers.  I didn't plan and envision this next step.  And it is definitely taken me longer to adjust then my mighty girl.

Today as we walked to school, she held my hand.  She asked me questions about what it would be like, and told me how excited she was.  I was able to tell her that I was so excited for her too!  Even though I was choking back tears.  And when we were standing in line to go into the building, my own thoughts were of scooping her into my arms and running for the hills, and then I looked down at her.

She was nervous, I could tell, and she seemed so small, but when it was her turn to go in, she nodded, let go of hand, and walked through the door.

Monday, June 13, 2016

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that someday my daughter may be drinking at a party and someone will deem her a thing instead of a human being.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that my son could be at club, dancing with his friends, and someone, who too easily and legally was able to obtain the weapons to do so, could take his life.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that the next President of the United States could be a man that not only spreads but encourages hate and racism.

I'm afraid.

I live in a bubble of joy and privilege.  I spend my days playing with my children, and my husband always has delicious dinners on our table.  And I'm afraid.  I can't even imagine the fear of those without the privileges I hold.

We have to be better.  We have to love more.  We have to care about what a day in someone else's shoes is like.

I'm afraid, but I'm also hopeful.  I know there are good people in the world, and those people are trying to raise more good people.

I don't know the answers.  I just hope we find them soon.

Friday, May 27, 2016

I take it all back.

While on the phone this evening, it seemed to get a bit too quiet upstairs.  When I went up to investigate I was informed that one child had pooped inside of a cardboard box, and then the second child had sat down in said box.  Never mind...maybe it isn't getting easier...weirder? definitely....but maybe not easier.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

All of a Sudden...

it's getting easier.  They can brush their own teeth, get their own drink, entertain each other, do puzzles without my help, and ride bikes like champs.  We are sleeping through the night, and I no longer feel like it is impossible to wash the dishes, read a book, or drink a hot cup of coffee.

Tomorrow is Ramona's last day of preschool, and in a few months Miles will be turning four.  Our days of me holding their hands while they toddle through the splash park are over, and next year Ramona will be away from me more time then I can wrap my head around.

What I want to remember about this phase...
-how Andy goes into their rooms when we head upstairs at the end of the day, and tucks each of them back in before coming to bed.

-how Miles transitions from his squeaky three year old voice to a deep manly voice, and says things like "mom, I'm about to blow your mind," and "thanks, mom" like he is a teenager.

-how we have transitioned to chapter books at bedtime and I get to share all the stories I loved so much as a kid with them now.  This year we have read the first two Harry Potter Books, Charlotte's Web, Pippi Longstocking, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Doctor Dolittle.

-how they fight.  I don't have memories of knock out/drag out fighting my sisters, so I want to remember the biting, hair pulling, screaming battles these two share.  I will try and not sugar coat for them when they are is no joke.

-how easily they forgive.  From biting to giggling in seconds.

-how much they LOVE musical soundtracks.  They got to make their stage debut in Scecina's Tarzan, and we haven't stopped listening to the music ever since.  They loved preforming and I feel like this shared love ties our hearts together even more tightly.  They also currently love Hamilton, Newsies, and Annie.  Miles remember lyrics like nobody's business, and Ramona can hold those long notes like it's her job.

-how they eat.  Miles is surviving on peanut butter (that he helps make, but God forbid he tries a peanut before grinding), cheese, and fruit, while Ramona will try anything we send her way.  With Andy and I not eating meat, and me moving into a vegan diet, we are experimenting with food, and she is a willing participant.

-how they both got a hit off a pitch, instead of the tee, during our last Pirates game.

-how Ramona loves to climb trees, and has started going down the firemen's pole at the park.

-how smart they are.  I didn't realize the depth of conversation I would have with a 5 and 3 year old.

Even on days like today, when I feel like they are whiny and argumentative, if I pause and think about a year ago, it still feels like it is getting easier.  Will this trend continue?....who knows.