Okay, as promised, the intent of this blog is to give my children an accurate description of what life was like when they were little. And since I am quite certain that they will not remember their mom as this woman who had it all together...I should probably write a bit about our not so good days.
At bedtime, for the last couple of months, Ramona and Andy or I have been reading "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." Ramona calls it "Bad Day." It is the story about a young boy who wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and spends the day complaining about trivial matters. My favorite part being, "There were lima beans for dinner, and I hate limas. There was kissing on TV, and I hate kissing." This past week, I have been channeling my inner Alexander.
I get this way from time to time. It has been like this since high school. I don't really have a reason to feel down, but I just get into a funk and become a grumpy moody mess. I just want to curl up and sleep all day, or run away and wander a bookstore alone for a couple hours. Little things stress me out...laundry, dishes, Christmas outfits, wedding gifts that I am very behind in making, sick kiddos, the need to workout, the desire to eat more, being "behind" in blog entries, and on and on. I can't shut my brain off. It sounds dramatic...it feels dramatic too. And then comes the guilt.
Andy always teases me that I get too emotionally involved in TV shows and movies. When I was pregnant with Ramona he wanted to watch The Wire. We got two episodes in and we had to stop. It was making me a nervous wreck. *We have since watched the whole series, and I would highly recommend it!* With Miles it was Breaking Bad. And again, I couldn't do it. My fragile emotional state during pregnancy does not allow for such drama.
This is how we watch a show. We don't have cable, so we wait until a season is on Netflix or on DVD at the library and then marathon watch. We watched the entire series of Lost in just weeks...mostly on the weekends. *This was pre-children mind you.
So, it is unlike us to have a show that we tune in for every week. But for whatever reason we have been watching Parenthood since it first started. Andy thinks that I like it because it is a large family who all talk at the same time...much like my own.
I cry almost every week. Usually over little things. *I must admit that I once cried watching Tim Allen's Jungle to Jungle...so, it doesn't take much.* But watching the last new episode, made my heart break!
One of the characters made a video for her children because she has breast cancer and wanted to have something to give them in case she did not make it through treatment.
I know it's a TV show, but I also know that there are real people that have to go through illness and death. I started thinking about what it would be like to have to say goodbye to my babies, or be losing Andy. I cannot imagine the pain these people endure.
Then the tragedy happened in Connecticut. And I thought about losing my kiddos. Honestly, I can't think about it long, because it is just too overwhelming of a prospect. I can't even try to put myself in those people's shoes. Really that is all I can write about it. It just completely overwhelms me.
So, how can I feel down when I have literally NOTHING to complain about? Every time I lose my patience with Ramona, or wish that Miles would sleep in his bed for longer periods at night I feel guilty...which makes me more grumpy. A vicious cycle.
There are things that I know, from experience, help:
-getting out of my house
-showering and getting ready dressed in the morning (seems little, but is a huge deal!)
-having something to look forward too/change in schedule
-acknowledging that I am being a grumpasaurus rex and making a conscious decision to act/feel otherwise
So, tomorrow I will get up and get ready, we will go on an outing to play group, I will look forward to the rapidly approaching holiday, and I will apologize to my loving husband and kiddos for not being my best self. Just writing this and having a plan has made me feel better already.